A place of not obvious victory
Three years ago, unannounced to me, I would encounter my giant. My giant first approached me in the form of a miscarriage. I was 16 weeks pregnant. I heard once that the enemy will attack the place you care about the most. He knows your hopes and dreams, your plans for the future. If that is the case, then they are right. My husband and I have spoken about children well before we started having them. A house full of them. That was supposed to be the plan.
I can’t say that I was totally ready for this fight; my faith was shaken. The ground below me that I had so carefully planned out and tended to was broken. But I wasn’t going down without a fight. And fight I did. I fought with all the tools that I could research; medical and holistic specialists, medicines (both western and eastern), vitamins, diet changes, exercise and even physical therapy. As I said, my faith was shaken and in that, I felt alone and felt the need to fight this battle with things that made logical sense to me. Little did I know, this was just a small battle compared to the spiritual one ahead of me.
Then, I had two more miscarriages, 10 and 12 weeks. A year later, I had two more 6 and 13 weeks.
God put this scripture in my heart “Be still & know that I am GOD” (Psalm 46:10). My prayer became: “teach me to be still.”
Growing in the still department was slow at first. God patiently taught me how to sit at his feet. My mind used to ask, “Why, God? Why?” as anger filled my heart. The answer was always simple; because we live in a broken world. And it is that exact reason why we need Jesus. He is our comforter when it becomes unbearable… and it will. He freed me as I sat with him. I was free to make decisions I would have never made otherwise. He gave me gratefulness, peace and joy like never before.
I may not be speaking from a place of obvious victory, but it is victory nonetheless. The smile on my face, that’s real. I fought for it (like my life depended on it). When the enemy came to take it by:
• Distraction: telling me that this is my fight alone and hope is just around the corner in the next thing.
• Discouragement: filling my head with so many self-defeating thoughts. Some straight from the pits of hell.
• Doubt: telling me God doesn’t care and doesn’t hear me, not to mention fear.
I stood firm in His word. These afflictions? I am unaware of them now. The doctors might say that things don’t look good for me to have more children… but I have seen him move mountains when he gave us our two sons who are now 7 and 5. Unaware of it then, He had made a way when there was no way. Will I see him do it again? …I have faith.
And this is how God took what the enemy meant for evil, to save me.
Praising in the valley and finally surrendered.
He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows – Isaiah 53:4
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit- Psalm 34:8